We have a new grandchild this week. She is perfect in every way and oh so beautiful. But just as each child is different, each grandparenting experience is different, well let us say grandparenting with each of our adult children is different. So I am reminded of the lessons the Lord has shown me so far. And since y’all like to read along as I remember such things I thought I would make this tidy little list. I am sure this will grow into a book. And I am sure as all things go someone will try to outdo me, but this is still good stuff 🙂 . Because when God talks to me it is never a waste of time.
- #1 on the list – respect. I learned this from my parents who have now passed on. Maybe that is the bit of sadness I feel as each new grandchild is born, that I cannot share it with them. I can however remember the biggest grandparenting lesson they taught me. Respect for my grown children as parents. They will not parent as I did, and although I always did my best to obey what the Lord was leading as I took parenting very serious, I want my grown children to follow the leading of Jesus as they hear Him. I know that may be different than how He led me. The basic principles will be the same if they listen, all of the basic biblical principles are there, but how we apply and walk it out sometimes looks different. I absolutely LOVE watching my grown children grow into their parenting roles. My oldest daughter and her hubby have been parents for 4 years now, and watching them blesses me tremendously even when they do things differently than I have. That is the key, to respect them as parents. My parents taught me that. They respected Jim and I, shared what they knew, but respected our ways even if we chose a different way than theirs.
- #2 Never ever ever sneak food or drink to a grandchild behind their mommas back. Easy one for me, I despise cokes and kool-aid and sugar and junk food. This one should go without saying, but after having this done to me when mine were little it is a tip that needs to be shouted from the rooftops, so I just did!
- #3 always remember that God gave the grandchildren to their parents. Yes we grandparents are blessed to have them as part of our lives and we have a lot to offer, but their parents are their parents, we do not have rights as parents here. We can offer wisdom and advice but when the rubber meets the road the parents will be responsible to the Lord for their children. Again, I repeat, we do not have rights as grandparents. It grieves me these days when you read in the paper or hear in the news cases of grandparents trying to claim they have rights to a grandchild. It does NOT take a village to raise a child. That is completely unbiblical. It take loving parents who can hear the voice of God, who love Him so much they want to do right by Him. It takes parents who recognize what a blessing their children are. And after that it takes love and support from all those extra family members.
- #4 Watch for cues. Listen carefully. Do Not overstep the boundaries. Your grown children are learning to be parents with that first grandchild, let them establish the rules, let them figure things out, let them set some boundaries. They may not even know that they are setting boundaries but you can tell if you watch and listen. My oldest daughter has babies that tend to need a wind down time after supper. Her household goes to bed pretty early, and she needs that peace especially as a new baby is born. It amazes me how in the past folks have come over with the intent of “lets party till midnight!” . Uh, no, not the right thing. It is really easy to see the boundaries if you watch for them. Do your best to accommodate their needs, and to encourage everyone else to also. If the baby is fussy every evening, let them have their space. Ask before dropping in, respect their privacy.
- #5 Remember your grown children are your children, don’t forget that after a grandchild is born. Don’t ever give them reason to wonder if they have been replaced in your heart even by a precious baby. Children, even when grown need the approval and respect and love of their parents. They probably need it more as they step into the role of parents.
- #6 Share the wisdom you have as parents, emphasis on the word “Share”. Not push, not enforce. Know and prepare yourself that they just might do things differently.
- #7 Get gifts pre-approved. Let me share with you how I learned this one. Back when Jim and I were newly married we went to a birthday party for his cousins little boy. The child was 3. Well we did not know any better and brought the little guy a gift. A battery operated firetruck. Yep, complete with lights and a siren. Oh. My. Goodness. If you don’t see the problem here, you most definitely need to get all gifts pre-approved. Jim’s cousin looked me in the eye and said somewhat sarcastically, “thanks Penny”. He was not at all rude, but it wasn’t until that moment that I finally realized what it might be like to have a 3 yr old boy with that toy in my house. Can anybody say, “headache?” Now as a new second-cousin kind of thing it was excusable. As a grandparent it would not be. When giving gifts remember convictions, some moms do not appreciate their little girls in mini skirts, some dads do not want toy weapons, some parents do not want certain styles, and some just don’t like noise. Ask first.
- #8 This isn’t really a grandparenting tip, but it needs to be remembered the same time you become grandparents especially in big families. DO NOT forget about your other children. Oohing and aaahing over a new grandbaby can sometimes cause a little jealousy in your other children, young and old, if you aren’t careful. Never let anyone feel like they have been replaced . I love the fact that our youngest became an aunt when she was 6 but if I had not been watching for it I could have missed her responses letting me know that in her eyes my lap was still hers.
- #9 Remember that your grandchildren have other grandparents. Don’t put your children in the middle of a tough situation. When my oldest daughter recently had her new daughter we were visiting when her husband’s parents arrived. I got up and encouraged the other grandma to have the seat next to my daughter holding the new baby. Did I want to? Of course not, I loved the view I had, but it was the right thing to do.
- #10 Last one for today. Do not ever, ever, EVER post pictures of your grandchildren on the internet without specific permission of their parents. Most of us have seen the cute black and white picture of the baby in a diaper sitting on the floor with a quirky look on his face and a funny caption. Well that same picture has been used with other captions. Some not so funny. Some downright vulgar, some disgusting, some rude, some with really anti-God curse words. That picture most likely was taken from the internet, probably a social media site and re-captioned and shared hundreds of thousands of times. And quite possibly without any permission. Some of the folks that used that picture deserve to be in jail. Nothing on the internet is private, even if you think you have it set to be. Each and ever parent deserves to make that call themselves. Some parents want their children’s faces shared with the world, some don’t. Be respectful.
I have lots more but you will have to read that in the book. 🙂
Disclaimer ~ of course I am not pointing any fingers here, if anything applies take it a learn, if you don’t think it does pray about it because this is some good wisdom learned from the past 20+ years of ministry and parenting 🙂 be blessed my friends!
and .. your thoughts?